Nondescript Offense
by AznAnimeGrl2649
Summary: .:NejiTen:. [AU] Tenten is sent on a mission to help Hyuuga Neji find love, and things don't go according to plan.


**A/N:** This is a one-shot. Don't ask, just read. Please.

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**Started:** Sunday, August 17, 2008

**Draft Finished:** Sunday, August 17, 2008

**Fiction:** One-Shot

**Rated:** PG-13

**Disclaimer:** The character and names of Naruto characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi-sensei. This story belongs to me.

**Anime:** Naruto

**Pairings:** NejiTen

**Genre:** Romance/Humor

**Summary:** Tenten is a Guardian and she just got assigned to do the impossible: help Hyuuga Neji find love.

Nondescript Offense

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**Tenten**

Guardian angels are overrated. Let me tell you, humans have always exaggerated things. It's what they do, like assume that Guardians were angels, as in they're disgustingly nice all the time and would not harm a living being ever. That's so a myth. Oh, and the part where Guardians have wings, totally a myth. We don't fly, we don't have a ring constantly floating around our head, and we do not emit a "glow" all around us like forbid.

Seriously, Heaven didn't like the idea of Guardians being all "glow-y" because we were attracting too much attention during our assignments. It was like attaching a 'I'm a Guardian, let me help you' sign on our backs, and we didn't have that many Guardians to help every single person in the world. You'd just have to wait for your turn. I know, Heaven's full of stingy bastards.

Being a Guardian isn't all fun and games. We can't roam where we like, do what we want (most of the time), and we certainly can't do (extreme) harm to others (it's one of the rules). The only thing we can do is help them and sometimes that was easier said than done.

Each Guardian gets an assignment from time to time. These "assignments" were often mistaken for "miracles", but they are nothing but a pain in the ass. Nevertheless, I try my best to complete them because the reward benefits are great. You see, with each assignment done, we are rewarded with more freedom, as in we don't have to do every assignment they give us, but for the time being we don't have much of a choice. They give us an assignment and we do it, simple as that. I just look to them as challenges, anything to make the job more fulfilling.

The person who did the assigning was Tsunade. She was in charge of everything and that included making my life miserable. She gave me the toughest jobs because she know I was capable of finishing them early and move on to another, but this time it was different.

"How can you be so irresponsible?" I tried not to rolled my eyes as Tsunade yelled at me. "You got your human run over by a car!" In my defense, that person chose to get hit by the car. Long story short, the human was just too depressed about his life and ended up killing himself by running into traffic. What an idiot, I know. "You were suppose to help that human find a reason to live out his life and find happiness! " Yeah, so Heaven could be less crowded with crazy maniacs. That was our job description: crowd control. Our job was _so_ fulfilling. "You leave me no choice but to give you another one assignment and this time, you better get it right." She pulled out a folder and I took it. "This is a special case, read it over and be on your way, and this time don't mess up!" Then, with a wide smirk on her face, she said, "Good luck." Boy, did I need it.

I read over the file.

**Human:** Hyuuga, Neji.

**Age:** 26

**Occupation:** President of Hyuuga Corporation

**Personality:** Realistic, Stoic, Anti-social, Workaholic

**Mission:** Help him find love.

You've got to be kidding me right? I looked at the photo attached to the assignment. It was a picture of Hyuuga Neji dressed in a three-piece suit, sitting all cool and calm in his black leather chair. His long dark hair spill a bit over his shoulders as he leaned over the desk reading a document with his silver depth eyes. The way the photo was taken, it made him look like a model out of an office magazine. That was the thing with good-looking guys, they are either gay or way overly egoistic to maintain a relationship, and judging by the expression on his face, I pick the latter.

Since I didn't have much choice, I went ahead and started with the assignment. The first step was to met that person and tell them all about "What's a Guardian" and "Why we were trying to meddle into their boring lives". Easy as that. _Not._

So, when I arrived at the doors of Hyuuga Corporation, I had only one thing in mind and that was to get this done as soon as possible. The sooner I get through this, the sooner I could find some peace and quiet to do nothing but sit back and relax.

I took the elevator and headed to Hyuuga Neji's office. The secretary didn't even stop me and asked if I had an appointment. Being a Guardian, there are certain abilities we possess and that is stealth. It's not a trick of the mind, but a skill we hone to quicken the process of meeting the human on the assignment. It'll be problematic if other things get in the way.

The first thing I noticed when I went in the room was that it was huge. It was bigger than Tsunade's office, that's for sure. Sitting on the same desk I saw in the photo, Hyuuga Neji didn't spare me a glance before dismissing my presence.

"I asked for no visitors," he said, eyes never leaving the paper that was on his desk. I cleared my throat and walked closer to him. Here goes nothing.

"I am not a visitor." When those words left my mouth, he looked up. His glare didn't faze me a bit. "My name is Tenten and I am your Guardian. I'm here to help you find love," I told him. He did not move, nor make a sound. He simply sat there. The silence irritated me. "You don't believe me, right?" I sighed. This always happens. They _always_ want proof.

"Get out of my office," was his demand. I scoffed. So this was how he wanted to do it, the hard way. I stood there and gave him a smile.

"Make me." I folded my arms, showing how I wasn't intimidated. "Look, we can do this the hard way, or you can cooperate with me and we can move on with our lives and never have to see each other again."

"You have three seconds before I call sec-"

"I'm not going to leave." I had no choice but to call out the big guns. You see, being a Guardian you were able to acquire abilities. My favorite ability was to summon. "I can prove to you that I am a Guardian." He arched a brow. It was now or never. Rising up my hand up lazily, I snapped. Instantly, my clothes changed. It matched his own tailored suit, except it fitted me perfectly. It seemed to impressed him.

"Why are you here?"

"I already told you, I'm here to help you find love." I changed back into my high collar style top and sleek black dress pants. The tie was choking me. How can he stand wearing that? "And I can't leave you alone until you do, so the sooner we do this, the sooner I can leave." The oxygen has certainly been cut off to his brain because he was just sitting there like a statue. "It's not like I don't have better things to do." I could name a few things right now, namely getting a nice long massage. "So, are you going to cooperate?" Right then and there, I knew this guy hated my guts, but I had to make this work. Anything to not face the wrath of Tsunade. I told him the whole spew about Guardians and their mission and why I was being forced to do this assignment. Apparently, he wasn't amused.

"How long will this take?"

"Well, that depends, Neji." I placed a hand on my hip and gave him a sarcastic smile. "How long does it take you to fall in love?"

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As I soon found out, Neji was not a talkative person. Of course, being a guy, he didn't answer my question. Instead, he questioned about the reality of him of actually finding love and applied that to the statistics of divorce marriages based on the human psyche on the concept of understanding and falling in love to begin with. I know what you're thinking: why didn't I just kill him already? The fact was, I could not. It was one of the rules. I wanted to severely injury him, but decided to hang on a bit before losing it. So, I did the next big thing and that was to follow him everywhere (except the bathroom, okay. Just wanted to make that clear. I'm not a pervert or anything). It annoyed him to no end and it seemed funny to me.

All day, I just went everywhere he went, did everything he did, ate everything he ate, all the while pretending to be some author writing a biography on him, at least that's what I told everyone that was giving me weird looks. I was used to it. It's only natural for them to stare, no harm done.

"Stop bothering me." Ah, so he does speak!

"No, I'm not going to unless you stop for one second and work with me here!" He walked further ahead to me and opens the door to his penthouse. Automatically, the door slammed in my face. I rolled my eyes and with a flick of my wrist, the door flew open and I stepped inside. "Not going to work, mister." It slammed behind me and I waved off his piercing scowl. I pointed at myself. "Guardian, remember?" I took a look around. "Nice place you got. Mind if I stay?" Apparently, he didn't know what sarcasm was.

"No." I checked out his kitchen and opened the refrigerator. "Leave." Taking a big bite of an apple, I chewed and swallowed before answering.

"You have to let me stay. It's not like I have a house in Heaven or something." That was true, I don't. Guardians didn't need to sleep much anyways. "Now, let's get down to business, shall we?" I skipped to the couch while Neji strode down the halls to change. When he got back, I had already flipped through his contacts list on his BlackBerry. The piece of technology was amazing, though his social life wasn't. Only fifteen contacts were on his list and most of them were male, save three of them whom I assumed were his employees. Why would he bother owning a cell phone for Heaven's sake?

"Give me back my phone." I ignored him.

"This would be easier if you have friends that are female, you know." My mind drifted back to my theory. Could he be both homosexual _and_ overly egoistic? After viewing the details of his life, I'd go for anything.

"I'm not interested in dating." He moved toward the adjacent couch and sat down. I threw him his phone, having gone through his files five times over and have yet to find something worth seeing.

"Why not?" I grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels.

"Because it serves no purpose."

"Sure it does." Here came the overly practiced mantra. "Everyone finds love." I almost snorted myself if it wasn't for the funny comedy line that had me laughing. Then, I switched the television off. "Look here buddy, I'm just trying to help you. If you want to sign up some dating service and go on a couple of blind dates, that might help. Or we can find a different approach and just set you up with one." Of course, when I said 'we', I meant I was the one setting things up. For all I know, he wasn't going near a female unless it was necessary.

"Fine." I raised a brow. Must be my imagination. Did he just agree with me? I gave myself a pinch to find that I was indeed awake. "I'll go on a date."

"Really?" I sounded a bit too happy. Maybe he was finally getting with the program.

"Yeah, let me go check the weather." Or not. I knew where this was going. "To see if Hell has frozen over." Then, he stood up and grabbed my arm. "You can go and tell Uzumaki that this joke's gone far enough." He thought this was a joke after everything I've showed him? I changed right in front of him for Heaven's sake! Pulling the door open, he pushed me out. Once again, my eyes met the great oak doors. I had a feeling I was going to get familiar with this scene.

This just kept on getting better._ Not._

I _knew_ this was going to be difficult the moment I saw his face.

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Remember about the rule about humans? I didn't specify how much harm we can inflict on them. As Guardians we're not allow to kill the human intentionally, or put them in a state that could ultimately stop their heart. I know, you gotta love rules. Not. Seeing that I have no choice, I went with alternate route and that was to negotiate with him. Maybe the reason why he didn't date was because he didn't know how, so I offered to teach him all about it.

"All right, this has gone on long enough." I tried to be patient here. I gave him some space (ten whole minutes of it) and walked back into his penthouse smiling and all. Welll, I didn't technically smile but you get it. "Let's just go to the point, okay?" The guy ignores my presence and switches on his laptop. Perfect, the silent treatment. Very original. "The sooner you date a person, the sooner you can find your feelings and then I could find my own way out the door without you pushing me, okay?" I pushed down his screen, shutting it with a click. Did his eye just twitch? "How about I give you some pointers about going on a date and we can do a demonstration. Hopefully, that will be all you need to find your true love." I didn't expect an answer and continued. "I'll make you a deal. Go on one date and I'll leave you alone." I was bluffing, but he didn't know that. "For starters, I can teach you some pick up lines." Clearly he needs it. I wasn't even going to ask how long he has been off the dating scene. How about forever? "What do you say?"

"Just one date and you'll get off my back?" I shook my head. He stares at me before answering. "When do you want to start?"

"How about now?" I sat down next to him and rested my elbow on his glass table. "Okay, first thing's first, the whole 'I am better than you attitude' has got to go." I reached over and tugged onto his hair. Neji looked like he was going to bite my head off and I let the issue about his hair slide. It was probably a fetish. He can keep his long hair. "Now on with the pick up lines." I gave him the run through of the good and bad of pick up lines, the cheesy ones, the funny ones, even the 'you don't even want to go there' ones. "Why don't you try one? Practice makes perfect you know." It took him a while to balance the magnitude of the situation. He can either do nothing and prolong my stay, or say something and get on with it.

"Will you stop staring at me like that?" This was obviously going nowhere.

"You said it all wrong!" I threw my hands into the air. "How do you expect the girl to like you if you intimidate her?"

"You're still here, aren't you?" I rolled my eyes and kicked him under the table. He didn't so much as flinch. Bastard.

"I have to be here, Hyuuga." What is with this guy? It's not like I asked for this assignment. So the last guy I helped want to die in order to find his happiness and I let him, what's the big deal? He was happy in the end. Does that matter how he got there?

"The name's Neji. Hyuuga is my family name." Well, that can be catchy. He's the president of the biggest company in the world. Females like men who are in power. That could work. Oh wait, he wants me to call him by his first name. First name basis, not too bad. Maybe I'm getting through to him.

"Fine, whatever _Neji_, but we have to get pass the introductions. How do you ask a person out on a date?" I gave him a few seconds before asking, "Are you going to answer me?"

"Accompany with me to dinner." The statement was crisp and demanding.

"You're doing it all wrong! You're suppose to 'ask' that person to dinner, not tell them to!" I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose. I feel a migraine coming. "You are suppose to say, 'May I take you out to dinner sometime?' or even better, 'Join me for dinner tonight'. Easy as that! Now, come on, give me your best shot." He drums his fingers on the table out of annoyance.

"Will you go out with me?" That was pleasant, though when he said it in monotone, it became a total turn-off. It didn't matter how good looking he is.

"Okay, better." I tried not to grimace. After a full thirty minute prep talk and he still manages to butcher a cliche line. "Let's just move on with the date." I gave him the load down on how to behave on a date, the things that you should do and the things that you shouldn't do. "Then, as the evening continues and reaches the end, your date might incline you to take her home. From then on, you either kiss or good night or dump her on the doorstep, it's up to you." He'd probably do the latter. I bet my record on this.

"I do all of that and we are done?"

"Yup!" That was easy, at least he's cooperating.

"Let's do it now. All of it." What? We didn't even go over the tutorial yet. This was like, reading the instruction's manual. "_You_ go out with me." And that was when I decided that Hell might as well be my new home.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" He crossed his arm, giving me a smirk.

"Because any person whose brain is damage enough to-" Okay, this was not going to work. I stopped and tried again. "Wait, that didn't come out right. Let me try this again. First of all, you don't like me. That's a problem because this dating thing is not going to work if you hate my guts." I held up another finger. "Second, I'm not interested in you, you're not interested in me, so we're in the same boat. Third, I'm clearly not your type." Um, does he even have a type? "And lastly, I don't date. It's one of _my_ rules." Guardian/Human relationships get really complicated when it comes to affection, if you know what I mean. "I'll just have to find someone for you."

"I don't need you to tell me who to date."

"Actually, you need me to tell you not to be a jerk and teach you how to date someone," I corrected him. "Be a man and ask someone, Neji."

"I did." When? Four years ago at Prom? Did he even go to Prom? "I asked you, didn't I?" Seriously, you see what I have to work with here?

"No, you didn't."

"You suggested for me to spend my time with you and that's exactly what we're doing. This counts as a date." I opened my mouth in disbelief. Can you believe this guy? After all the things I have explained to him, he thought we have been doing counted as a date? I ate one apple in his house. It doesn't count as dinner! What kind of logic is that?

"No, it doesn't. Listen," because he was clearly not. "I don't have time for-" I barely got the last word out of my mouth before it was covered with his. What the hell? He pulled away and I tried to snap back into reality and hold myself back. I wanted to kill him!

"I only kissed you because I don't have a doorstep." Yeah, like that excuse was going to cut it. "Date is over. Get out." Surprisingly, he didn't shove me out the door. Instead, he just went to the kitchen and took a drink of water as if I would let myself out.

"I'm not done with you here mister!" I stalked behind him. "Our meeting does not count as a blind date no matter how you twist it, okay?"

"Doesn't your current situation define it so?" Then again, he had a point. Tsunade was the one that sent me down here. We met, we spent the day together and then he kissed me. I thought back to the smirk that was on her face. Oh my God, she sent me on a blind date disguised as an assignment! She expected me to make him fall in love with me? There's no way!

"But-" I was lost for words.

"Face it, you went on a blind date. Get over it." Oh, did I wanted to show _him_ how to get over it, especially over a flaming volcano! I was going to have a nice long talk with Tsunade when I got back. In fact, I wanted to just bring him along seeing that he annoyed me to no end. I could probably use his attitude toward Tsuande and see how she likes it. Yes, that's exactly what I should do.

"You're coming with me," I said and pulled _him _toward the door. He wasn't the only one who could give orders.

"Where are we going?" Finally, something he didn't know.

"To have a talk with my supervisor." I pushed the button on the elevator. "Then you can tell her to tell me to leave you alone, okay?" The sliding doors open. I gestured with my arm. "After you."

Before giving me a look (from what I can tell, it was one of agreement), he said to me, "Lead the way." With that I was happy to oblige and went in after him. I couldn't wait to see the look on Tsunade's face when we meet her. I mean, he can obviously make everything chaotic without putting two sentence together and I can talk circles around him. Maybe he can talk her into extending my vacation. Heaven knows I need one. That thought made me laugh when we arrived at the lobby. She'll just _**love **_me for this, I just knew it.

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**A/N:** I thought the concept was amusing and gave it a go. Hope you like it. Sorry, not planning to write a sequel. If you haven't already, please read my newest creation, Quixotic Relapse. I guarantee you it won't disappoint! Now, go and **review**!

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Thank you for reading!


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